Searching
by Carlotta Pinkstone
Summary: Summer after GoF. Harry is depressed and plagued with visions. After 3 weeks at Dursley’s, Harry is sent to Grimmauld Place to live with Remus and Sirius, and an unexpected visitor reveals a secret, which changes all of their lives.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

With the exception of the dismal weather plaguing the summer, it was a perfectly normal day on Privet Drive. There was nothing out of the ordinary, everyone was cordial and all of the houses and lawns were as neat as possible, with the exception of the mud due to the rain.

However, there was someone extraordinary at Number 4, inside the cupboard under the stairs. A wizard lived here, but not just any ordinary wizard. Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived and the savior of the wizarding world was lying on a bed in the dark, staring of into space.

Unfortunately, due to an incident the previous summer when his cousin Dudley's tongue swelled to gigantic proportions, the Dursleys decided to take away Harry's small bedroom. Thus Harry was in the cupboard again, but he really didn't care. He just lay in his bed staring at the wall, feeling numb. Numb was good. Numb didn't involve thinking. Thinking always led to thinking about the Triwizard Tournament and thinking about the Triwizard Tournament always led to thinking about Voldemort's resurrection and Cedric's death. Thinking would lead to a downward spiral of pain and misery.

At first Harry thought that he could escape by sleeping. However, sleeping quickly turned into nightmares about the tournament and frequent visions about Voldemort's horrific attacks. He would awake after a nightmare or vision shaking violently, while attempting to stifle his screams, so he would not awake his relatives. Sleeping soon stopped. So did eating. He was plagued with guilt and the only thing he could do was stare at the wall.

Unfortunately, the Dursleys didn't care about Harry's depression and no one in the wizarding world knew about it or could be contacted. After Harry learned of his fate to live in the cupboard, he sent Hedwig to the burrow to live over the summer, so she would be able to fly. So Harry was left alone, with no companionship.

----------

A wave of pain rushed through Harry's scar. This was a frequent occurrence since Voldemort was resurrected that fateful day during the third task. However, Harry welcomed this pain, since it gave him something else to focus on, instead of pain and guilt. Unfortunately, after the pain gradually subsided, he became aware of his environment.

He tried not to panic enclosed the dusty small space and tried to focus on the wall again, to escape the pain of his thoughts. He was distracted from movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a small common spider. Ever since he could remember, spiders have always occupied the cupboard under the stairs, and was about to push it out of his mind, until he remembered.

_Harry saw Cedric's wand fly out of his hand as a gigantic spider stepped into the path…_

"_We'll take it at the same time. It's still a Hogwarts victory"_

"_Kill the spare"_

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

"No, no, no." Harry whispered to himself. Harry removed his glasses and smashed the lenses underneath his shoe. Now he couldn't see the reminder of his failure anymore, and eventually was able to push all thoughts aside and stare at the now blurry wall, ignoring the pain.

----------

There was a knock at the door, followed by the high-pitched screeching of his Aunt Petunia, which shook Harry out of his stupor.

"What are you doing here with your abnormality? We been forced to take him in, and I wont allow another one into this house!"

"I am here to see Harry. Where is he?" asked a calm, familiar voice. Harry knew this voice from somewhere, but quickly pulled his mind back into the void of looking at the wall.

"He… is ill. Go away." His aunt's voice was full of fear.

The voice commanded forcefully, "I am not leaving until I see him. Now move."

"My husband is at work, please come back later when he is here to settle…" There was a long pause.

"You know what this could do. So I suggest you and your son go away for a while if you don't want to be here, but I _am_ going to see Harry now."

He heard his aunt frantically call for Dudley and listened to hurried footsteps and then the slam of a door. The familiar voice whisper a tracking spell and slow and steady footsteps made their way towards the cupboard. There was a pause. Then a quiet "alohomora." The door to the cupboard squeaked open and all Harry could hear was a gasp as he squinted against the brightness of the light outside the cupboard.

When his eyes adjusted, he vaguely recognized the form standing at the door. "Professor Lupin?" Harry croaked.

Lupin finally collected himself and started assessing Harry's situation. He did not look good. He was far to thin and had dark circles under his cloudy eyes. His hair was limp and unhealthy looking. His skin was deathly pale, as if he hasn't seen the sunlight in weeks. The scar was a dark red and appeared to be irritated or infected. His voice was also scratchy, from either the absence of water or through lack of use… possibly both.

"How long have you been in here Harry?" asked Lupin quietly, almost afraid of the answer.

Harry took a long time to answer. Lupin almost asked again when Harry replied quietly "When did school end?"

Lupin was shocked. School ended three weeks ago, he couldn't have possibly been there for that long. "Where are your glasses and other belongings?"

Harry pointed a shaky finger towards the corner. Lupin waved his wand and whispered "Creo vegrandis," then placed Harry's glasses, along with the shrunken trunk into his pocket "Harry, I am going to take you to see Sirius. We have been working to add extra protections to his house, to make sure the ministry can't find it. Would you like to spend the rest of the summer there?"

There was no answer. Harry just stared past Lupin, at the wall behind him. Lupin knew he had to get Harry out of that house fast. He pulled a rubber duck out of his pocket and placed it in Harry's hand. "Here Harry, just hold on tight to this portkey and then…"

A blood-curdling scream cut him off. Harry started thrashing about and knocked the portkey away. The memories came rushing back to him all at once. Lupin cursed himself for mentioning the portkey, remembering Harry's last experience with one, but unfortunately in his state, this was the only way. "quiesco" he whispered. Harry slumped back in bed and closed his eyes.

Lupin gently wrapped his hand around Harry's hand and the portkey. "I'm sorry Harry." He raised his wand. "I'm sorry for everything" he said regretfully as he tapped the portkey and they disappeared from sight.

* * *

Creo vergrandis: make smaller

Quiesco: sleep

Borrowed a few lines directly from GoF, which are in italics (hopefully)

Please review, even if you hate it. If you are interested in being a beta, please email me to let me know. I will try to submit a chapter every other week, but sometimes this will not be possible. However, if I am able to find a beta, then I will be able to submit chapters sooner.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. I didn't think anyone would, and after I read them, it motivated me to find more time to write.

Sorry about the spelling and grammar errors in the first chapter. I uploaded the wrong version of the chapter (I was having a smart moment). The content is the same in the final version, just without the spelling and grammar mistakes.

* * *

CHAPTER 2 

About two years ago, Sirius Black made a daring escape from the wizarding prison of Azkaban and was still on the run from the Ministry of Magic. He was framed for various murders, including the murder of two of his best friends, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. The three, along with Remus Lupin, where best friends in school and the self-proclaimed marauders; Wormtail, Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs. Peter Pettigrew (Wormtail) betrayed his friends by becoming a Death Eater and telling Voldemort where the Potter's lived, which resulted in the death of James (Prongs) and his wife, Lily. And if this weren't enough, Wormtail convinced the entire wizarding world that it was Sirius (Padfoot) who turned James and Lily over to Voldemort and framed Sirius for his death. Thus, instead of caring for his godson, Harry Potter, Sirius Black spent twelve long years in Azkaban.

Luckily, Sirius inherited his parent's unplottable house at Number 12 Grimmauld Place in the heart of London, where he was currently hiding out at. The house had been vacant for ten years, and it took some time to fix it up, but now it was fit for habitation.

On this particular day, Sirius was happy, because now his godson, Harry Potter, could finally come live with him without the fear of being discovered by the Ministry of Magic or Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Sirius was worried about Harry, since he was forced to spend the beginning of the summer with his muggle relatives that despised him. He knew Harry was grieving over the death of his classmate, while dealing with the horror of Voldemort's resurrection and felt that Harry needed to be around people who would care and support him through this time.

It took some time, but luckily, Sirius was able to convince Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to allow Harry to remain with him for the remainder of the summer, with the stipulation that the wards had to be updated first and another witch or wizard (who was not currently an escaped convict) would have to stay at the house as well. Sirius quickly convinced his oldest friend and fellow marauder, Remus Lupin (or Moony), to agree to stay at the house with them, thus fulfilling the later half of Dumbledore's requirements.

* * *

"The wards are finished; let's go get Harry," exclaimed an excited Sirius. 

"Padfoot, we still have to wait for Albus to arrive with the Portkey, so I can bring him here."

"You? I'm his godfather; I will pick him up," Sirius stated with determination.

"Alright, raise your hand if you are not currently hiding from the Ministry for murder," said Remus as he raised his hand and looked around the room. "Well, that settles it; I am the only one qualified to pick him up."

"I'll duel you for it," said Sirius, as he pulled his wand from his pocket.

"You are insane. Besides, that is an unmatched wand, so I would win anyway," responded Remus logically.

"Come on, Moony, you old man. Afraid that I would win?" said Sirius, as he crouched into a dueling stance and started to circle around Remus.

An exasperated Remus rolled his eyes and replied, "You know you are a month older than me?"

"Yeah, but I'm young at heart. Stupefy," Sirius shouted. Remus was surprised by Sirius's spell, since their banter usually lasted longer before the first spell was thrown, but the wand misfired and he was hit with a light tickling charm instead. While Sirius stared at his mismatched wand in disbelief, trying to think of a spell that would work, Remus drew his wand and quickly cancelled the charm.

"Expellearmus," said Remus, followed by "Silencio," as he caught the wand flying towards him and pocketed it.

He kept his wand on Sirius, so Sirius transformed into a dog, since he was unarmed and more maneuverable in this form. "Bad dog. Very bad dog. Now when Albus arrives, I will go get Harry while you stay here. Seriously, how were you planning on protecting Harry or yourself if a Death Eater showed up? Or worse, Voldemort himself? Hope that they would die from a case of fatal hilarity?"

There was a knock at the door. "Finally, Albus is here. Padfoot, stay," commanded Remus. He answered the door and was amused to see his former Headmaster dressed in bright green pants, yellow button down, blue tweed jacket and red fedora hat to finish the look. Oddly enough, this attempt at muggle clothing just seemed to fit the man, who usually wore colorful robes. "Albus, welcome. Please come in. Mind the dog; he is a bit more insane than usual. If this continues, I might have to follow through with the vet's recommendation and have him neutered."

Sirius attempted to bark in retort; however, he was still affected by the silencing charmed, so he transformed instead. Dumbledore chuckled at Sirius's state, but took pity, so he withdrew his wand and said, "Finite Incantatem," to release Sirius from his current predicament. "Well, I see you boys have been keeping yourself busy…" but Sirius and Remus were not listening, because there argument started strong again, as if Sirius had never lost his ability to speak.

"Boys, I do not mean to interrupt your fun, so I'll just come back tomorrow," Albus said playfully as he reached for the doorknob, hoping this would catch their attention. Yet the bickering back and forth continued and his actions went unnoticed. A bit more forcefully (and with a wizard as powerful as Albus Dumbledore, a bit more forcefully goes a long way) he proclaimed, "There is still the matter of retrieving Harry from his relatives, but before that, I must find some adults to care for him since there are clearly none here." Remus and Sirius went silent and Albus started to open the door. "I am sure that Arthur and Molly would love to take in Harry for the remainder of the summer."

"Wait, Albus! Sorry about all of that, we were just anxious and worried about Harry," said Sirius attempting to look shameful.

"Yes, we were just overly concerned about Harry's well being that the waiting became stressful and we managed the situation badly. But we would never act like that around Harry, since this would be wrong and unbecoming of his guardians," added Remus, as he handed Sirius back his wand, hoping to placate Dumbledore.

Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling in amusement at their current behavior. Their apology and twin looks of innocence was the same today as when the young marauders were sent to his office for first time for changing all the Slytherin colors in the castle to light pink and baby blue. How a group of first years managed that amazed Dumbledore to this day.

"Very well, Harry may stay here," Dumbledore conceded. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a rubber duck, which was much too big to fit in the pocket without the use of magic. "Here is the Portkey," he stated, "Remus, you will have to take the underground from here to the Leaky Cauldron. I have arranged with Tom for you to use a private fireplace to floo to Arabella's. From there, you will walk to Number 4 and use this Portkey to bring Harry here." At Sirius's dismayed look, he added, "I am sorry Sirius, but this is simply the way it must be done. The Ministry and Voldemort are both looking for you and if you are captured, then you won't be able to be here to care for Harry. It will be easier and safer if Remus retrieves him."

Sirius sighed, "Alright, I will stay. Just bring him back quickly."

"I'll leave straight away. Don't worry, I will bring him here soon," replied Remus. Dumbledore handed him the Portkey. "Thank you, Albus," said Remus as he pocketed the Portkey and then walked out the door.

Sirius moved to the armchairs set by the fireplace and sat down in one, looking worried. He leaned forward, and placed his head in his hands, looking so much older than his years. "Would you like some tea while we wait?" asked Albus, as he conjured a tea set and sat down next to Sirius.

Sirius lifted his head, remembering that he wasn't alone in the room. "You're the guest. Sorry, I should have thought of that."

"Quite alright, my boy. I understand your stress." Albus said as he passed Sirius a teacup, "He will be here soon."

Sirius took a sip of the tea and a small smile formed on his lips, "Do you always spike tea with a calming draught?"

"Sirius, I work in a place full of teenagers who are anything but calm if they are sent to my office. Now, would you like to face all those students each day without giving them a calming draught first? It works on the staff as well, since not many of them have figured out the trick," Albus replied with a wink.

Sirius burst into laughter, "Point taken." They fell into companionable silence, occasionally interrupted by the clinking of china, while they waited for Remus to return with Harry.

* * *

Remus stepped out onto the sidewalk and headed towards the Tufnell Park Station down the road. He was able to appear nonchalant, but was anxious about seeing Harry again and tempted just to apparate to Privet Drive. However, he knew Dumbledore had his reasons and when he reached the station, he paid his fare and boarded the train headed towards the Leaky Cauldron. Remus tried to relax in his seat. Usually, Remus preferred muggle transportation, even though it was slower, since it gave him time to think. But this time, he had trouble sitting still from his anxiety. 

The trip to the Charing Cross Road Station seemed longer than usual, and Remus was glad to hop off the train and walk down the road towards the Leaky Cauldron. The inn was squeezed into the small gap between a bookstore and a record store, but thanks to the magic, the interior was much larger then it seemed possible from the outside. When Remus entered, it was just before noon and there weren't too many patrons milling about. He walked up to the bar, where Tom was cleaning some glasses and quietly greeted him. "Hello, Tom. Dumbledore sent me."

"Hello, Remus. Say no more and follow me," replied Tom. The silently walked upstairs and down the hallway and entered a room. "You can use the floo in here; the floo powder is on top of the mantle."

"Thank you," said Remus, as Tom quietly shut the door. Remus approached the fireplace, grabbed a handful of floo powder and threw it into the flames. He stepped into the green flames and stated, "Arabella Figg's." A few seconds later, Remus tumbled out of the fireplace in Arabella's house and landed on the floor, scaring various cats into hiding. While he was normally graceful, Remus never seemed to be able to land on his feet while using the floo. He stood up and murmured a quick spell to dust himself off as Arabella entered the room.

"Oh Remy, still having trouble with the floo I see," teased Arabella, and Remus glared at her in response. "Now, don't give me that look. Please sit and chat for a while."

"Sorry, Bella, but I must pick up Harry and take him home, before a certain mutt with the patience of a two year old does something foolish," politely replied Remus.

Arabella gave him a knowing smirk, "If I remember correctly, he isn't the only one I know who acts like a two year old."

"I am not quite sure who you are referring to," responded Remus with false innocence as he walked towards the front door.

"Sure you don't. All joking aside though, I am glad you are finally here. I haven't seen Harry since he returned from school. Albus swears that he is fine there, but I am not so sure, and I will rest easier when he is under the direct protection of the Order."

"We all will," said Remus soberly. He grasped the door handle. "Goodbye Bella. See you at the next meeting."

"Bye Remy, take care of him for us," replied Arabella, as Remus walked out the door.

Remus walked down Wisteria Walk to Privet Drive, ignoring the strange looks from the various neighbors. While he was much better than most wizards when it came to passing as a muggle, his clothing was somewhat worn and he still appeared a bit haggard from his last transformation; both were a sin in Little Whinging. He quickly made it to Number 4 and hurried up the walk to the front door. "Finally," he quietly sighed as he rang the bell and waited for an answer.

The door opened and Remus cordially said, as good manners dictated, "Good afternoon, Petunia."

Her high-pitched screeching was grating on his enhanced hearing, and it took quite a bit of willpower not to cringe. It was an unnecessary reminder of how much he didn't like this woman.

"What are you doing here with your abnormality? We been forced to take him in, and I wont allow another one into this house!"

Remus tried to remain friendly, "I am here to see Harry. Where is he?"

"He… is ill. Go away." Even without the enhanced senses of the wolf, he could probably smell the fear rolling off Petunia, it was so great. This combined with her hesitation made Remus even more frightened for Harry's welfare.

Remus forcefully stated, "I am not leaving until I see him. Now move."

"My husband is at work, please come back later when he is here to settle…"

Hearing her continue brought the wolf close to the surface and Remus began to growled, which silenced Petunia. Remus withdrew his wand and barked, "You know what this could do. So I suggest you and your son go away for a while if you don't want to be here, but I _am_ going to see Harry now."

Remus entered the house and vaguely heard Petunia and her son rush out the door, and peel out of the driveway. He was overwhelmed with the scents of pain and anguish. He murmured a tracking spell to locate Harry. It led him to a cupboard underneath the staircase covered in locks. He hesitated and thought, 'I must have said the spell wrong; this can't be right.' Remus took a deep breath and unlocked the cupboard with a charm. He gasped when the door opened, and was completely unprepared for this.

Harry appeared lost and broken. He was much too thin and looked deathly pale and unhealthy. His scar was a violent shade of crimson, with a tinge of green, like it was infected. He blinked away from the light in the hallway and squinted at Remus. "Professor Lupin?" scratched Harry weakly.

Remus was afraid to ask, but needed to know, "How long have you been in here Harry?"

After a long pause, Harry finally croaked, "When did school end?"

Remus had to force back the wolf, who wanted to seek revenge for the child. Three weeks in a cupboard was more than cruel. He needed to remain composed for Harry's sake and calmly asked, "Where are your glasses and other belongings?"

Remus quickly shrunk and pocketed Harry's things. "Harry, I am going to take you to see Sirius. We have been working to add extra protections to his house, to make sure the ministry can't find it. Would you like to spend the rest of the summer there?"

Harry was fading and stopped responding, his eyes glazed and unfocused. Remus quickly pulled the Portkey out of his pocket and wrapped Harry's hand around it. His skin was cold to the touch and Remus could feel how bony Harry had become. He urgently said, "Here Harry, just hold on tight to this portkey and then…"

Harry reacted to this with a heart-wrenching scream and began thrashing about. Remus whispered a spell to put Harry in an enchanted sleep, so he wouldn't hurt himself. He cursed himself for not realizing that Harry might react badly to this earlier, so he could convince Albus that another form of transportation would be more prudent. But it was too late to change plans now, since it was more urgent to get Harry out of the house, as quickly as possible.

He gathered up Harry in his arms, making sure that they both held the Portkey firmly. Remus took one last look around him. "I'm sorry Harry," He whispered "I'm sorry for everything." He made a silent promise that Harry would never have to return to this place, then he tapped the portkey and they disappeared from sight.

* * *

I promise that Harry will reach Grimmauld Place in the next chapter. I just really wanted some Sirius/Remus dialogue before things got serious. Sorry this chapter took so long; my muse was being difficult. But now the muse is helpful, so I am hoping to have the next chapter up in a week and a half at the most. I am still looking for a beta for this story, so if anyone is interested, please let me know! 

And if anyone knows why random letters and punctuation marks disappear when I upload documents from Microsoft Word to this site, please let me know.

Please review, because it makes me spend more time writing.


End file.
